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Closing the Escape Hatches
by Rev. Paul Scalia When Cortez set himself to conquer Mexico, he scuttled his ships. That is, he sank them--leaving himself no way back to Spain, safety and comfort. He would either conquer the Aztecs, or die trying. Having left himself no way out, he could only press forward, in battles against all odds, to one of the most glorious military victories in history. On his wedding day, a man does a similar thing. He sets himself to a certain mission, with no possibility of return or retreat. He will either be a good husband and father by loving his wife and children, or he will die trying. In this case, however, to die trying means victory. For us to recover fatherhood men must scuttle their ships. They must eliminate any escape from their commitment. Or, put another way, we need to close the escape hatches. “Escape hatches” are those actions, activities, and habits that we men use to avoid the difficulties and struggles of marriage and family. When the marriage needs some work, a difficult conversation needs to be had, children need to be disciplined, error has to be admitted--at those times men begin to look around for an escape hatch, something that will take them out of the present reality and relieve them of their troubles. Divorce is the most obvious and most extreme escape. But men find many other ways of escaping, even while remaining in the family. Why would a man want to escape? We could point out all the obvious: crying kids, nagging wife, noisy house, mounting bills, mean boss, etc. All the usual complaints. But these point to a deeper truth: fatherhood demands suffering. And being a good father demands the willingness to suffer. Our Lord Himself teaches us this. He is the perfect image of our heavenly Father: He who has seen me has seen the Father (Jn 14:9). The full revelation of our Lord and therefore of Fatherhood is on the Cross. Fatherhood and the Cross are inseparable. Escape hatches are ways of avoiding the Cross. Three examples will help illustrate what I mean. Work This escape feeds on two good male instincts. First, men like to get things done, to look over a finished project with a feeling of accomplishment and success. Second, men have the noble desire to provide for their families. If not monitored, however, these good instincts can run roughshod over a man’s primary duty as husband and father. Going home to the family demands far more and satisfies far less (or so it seems). A man gives hours and effort at work. He must give himself--sacrifice himself--at home. And the family does not provide an immediate sense of accomplishment or success. There is no clear end to the work at hand. Nor does being a good father bring the rewards that long hours might. It does not merit a pay raise, bonus, or public recognition. So to avoid sacrificing himself to a seemingly thankless family, a man keeps himself from the family by working late. He finds it easier to work hard, crunch numbers, bill hours, and even meet with clients than to deal with his own kith and kin. And he justifies his absence by saying that he does it all for his family, so that they will have the very best. Granted, some fathers must work long hours just to keep their families fed. But many men need to ask themselves if in the name of providing they are not actually escaping. TV One of the funniest developments in recent years is “reality TV.” No one really thinks these shows are “real.” In fact, we do not even want TV to be real. We turn it on to escape from reality, to take our minds off things, to step into another world. Of course, there are legitimate forms of entertainment that serve the human need for relaxation and diversions. But our culture has produced “vegging out” and “couch potatoes.” The point here is not just that TV is a colossal waste of time (it is), or that most TV shows are horrendous (they are). It is that when the TV turns on, we turn off. We shut down and render ourselves incapable of giving or communicating. When a man gives all his attention to the TV he will find it hard to focus on his children and get to know them. He may even get annoyed that his family interrupts or draws him away from...what, exactly? Internet As its name indicates, the “World Wide Web” enables us to go all over the world--which means to escape from our present world. We can find all sorts of places and people that do not expect anywhere near as much from us as our own family does. They do not demand that we listen, or help out, or be patient. They do not ask us to sacrifice. As any priest knows from the confessional, the greatest problem on the Internet is pornography. From the comfort of his own home a man can escape to other women. And they accept him as he is. These beautiful women do not become angry. They do not expect anything from him. They only want to please him. Or so he thinks. In truth, when a man uses pornography he does not escape to other women; he invites them into his home. Once he opens that escape hatch, they come through it. This escape does more than remove the father from the family. It brings something into the family: impurity. Once a man has viewed pornography, he will not view his wife the same. He has polluted his marriage with desires for other women (and by the sin of masturbation that typically follows pornography). Children will inevitably suffer from the damage done to the marriage. To close this escape hatch, keep the computer in a central area, where there is plenty of traffic--children running, fights breaking out, laughter, yelling, and crying. In short, where the commotion of family life will maintain the computer as a tool and keep it from being an escape. These are only three examples. There are others: sports, going out with “the guys,” anger, volunteering, etc. Indeed, every tired and tempted father can find--or create--his own escape hatches. The solution is to eliminate the idea of escaping altogether. Brothers, the boats are scuttled. Do not try to escape, do not search for illusionary ways back. You have set your hand to the plow; do not look back (cf. Lk 9:62). Press on instead to a conquest far more beautiful than Cortez could have imagined: the beauty of family life and the noble title of “father.” Father Paul Scalia is parochial vicar of St. Rita parish in Alexandria, VA. |
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