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HUMOR . . . The Seven Defiances The fads of the educational world come and go like the tides. Having worked as a teacher for most of my adult life, I have seen methods like “whole language” rise to great heights only to be blown away by a sudden attack of common sense. I have never taken an education class in my life, but I have been exposed to the various “new,” “groundbreaking” and “innovative” foolishness that passes itself off as educational theory. “The Seven Intelligences” is of fairly recent vintage, I think. I remember once teaching a group of first and second-graders a poem using that medieval concept of repetition as my “groundbreaking” method. A co-worker challenged me, saying that I was consigning the non-auditory learners into “one-intelligence hell.” According to her the tactile learners would end up in sand therapy, the visual learners would end up watching themselves on Dr. Phil and on and on and on. (Apparently the sight of each and every student happily and capably reciting the poem in question did little to convince her of the soundness of my approach.) I informed her that I was an educational megalomaniac whose one desire was to make all children auditory learners. “Yes, that’s right! All of them! Ha Ha Ha!” Forget the fads! The dealbreaker of the educational world is the will. My educational theory will sweep aside the seven intelligences like Hollywood sweeps aside morality, as I introduce the country to “The Seven Defiances.” (Incidentally, I offer this monumental theory to the world in written form for the visual learner, Braille for the tactile learner and on CD for the auditory learner.) What follows is a brief description of the seven defiant types and the remedial work required to overcome the disorder. The defiant types tend to follow a Piaget-like developmental scheme, so I will begin with the willful toddler, a type I am most familiar with as a father of seven. 1. The Direct Demander: This type is best illustrated by my daughter Maggie. When Maggie was about two, we would give her an occasional marshmallow as a treat. On one occasion she requested a second marshmallow. The request was denied. What followed was the standard behavioral pattern of the demander. Her eyes became as flame, her right fist clenched, her right leg was raised and simultaneously with the stamp of her little foot came the imperative, “Marshmallow!” Remedy: Don’t give her the marshmallow. A wide variety of sociopathic behavior would be avoided if parents refuse the marshmallow. 2. The Direct Defier: This type follows close on the heels of the demander. The typical scenario runs as follows: Parent: You need to pick up the living room. Child: No! Remedy: Begin with the attention-getter (the bum swat or the face smush are two fine options) and repeat the request more firmly with the understanding that swift and terrible consequences will follow a negative response. 3. The Selectively Deaf Child: Some experts in the field consider this type as a subspecies of the defier, but the rage that this child engenders in the parent justifies his placement in a separate category. Typical scenario: Parent: John, put on your sneakers and come downstairs! John: (Silence) Parent: John, put on your sneakers and come downstairs!! John: (Silence) (This dialogue repeats itself until the enraged parent runs upstairs, bursts into the room and proceeds to ask the wrong question.) Parent: Didn’t you hear me?! John: No, really I didn’t! (The parent is now in a state of total confusion. “Is it possible,” he thinks, “that he didn’t hear me, even though most of the kids in the neighborhood did and are now downstairs with their sneakers on?” Discipline at this point usually leads to guilt for the parent and should be avoided at all costs.) Remedy: If at all possible, make all requests face to face. 4. The False Positive: In this scenario a parent or teacher’s request is cheerfully received and affirmed. Sadly, the authority figure finds out later that it has, in reality, gone unheeded. When confronted, the child responds that he was just this moment about to fulfill his obligation. Remedy: Follow up the original request with an adverb such as “Now!” so that the child will understand the urgency of your request. 5. The Appealer to Justice: This usually involves older siblings who claim that their entire lives have been spent in a Russian labor camp (your house) while their younger siblings have been sipping Margharitas and reading comic books in some imaginary beach resort. Remedy: Ignore them. 6. The Eye-Roller: Here the request is agreed to and usually acted upon, but is unfortunately accompanied by a rolling of the eyes that would seem to suggest that you, the authority figure, are a complete idiot. Remedy: Load the grenade-launcher. 7. The Justifier: The final developmental stage and one that will carry the child into his adult years. Here we use elaborate justifications to explain away our failures to carry out various responsibilities. A typical scenario runs thus: You have promised your editor a humorous piece on willful behavior in children by January 21, but my grades were due, and my wife just had a baby and the Steelers lost! Remedy: Grow up! Mike Flynn has been offering his audio and videotape series to progressive parenting and teaching conferences around the country. To date, there has been precious little response. Apparently the fact that his children are better-behaved than 99.9% of the children in our fair country fails to impress the “experts.” |
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